My First Family Constellation

My first experience with Family Constellations was transformative. In this blog post I share the experience so you might get a sense of what to expect from a constellation.

Invited by a colleague to a Family Constellation workshop, I had no idea what I was going to. I trusted my colleague, so with some nervousness, I decided to go.

I sat in circle with about ten people, when Patrick, my colleague and the facilitator, asked who wanted to do a constellation. In blissful ignorance and enthusiasm, I raised my hand. Before I could rethink, Patrick chose me. Oh no! What have I done?

I moved to sit next to him and he asked what I wanted from the constellation. I said something like wanting distance from my mother as ‘our relationship is toxic and I can’t handle it.’

Patrick said, ‘No, that is not how constellations work.’

I was shocked. I’d spent a lot of time justifying why I needed as much distance from my mother as possible, with a psychology degree behind me to justify that I was right, and it was all her fault.

But Patrick was firm. He explained that everyone belongs in a family system, and excluding anyone creates ongoing intergenerational trauma. The intention needs to be about restoring love and connection. This was a bitter pill to swallow. I felt fear rising in my body. I remember muttering through gritted teeth, ‘My intention is to have a better relationship with my mother.’ Patrick was happy with that. We could proceed.

He asked about my family history. He only wanted facts, not the drama of who got along well with who, etc. I told him I am the youngest of seven children and one of my brothers died when he was two years old, before I was even thought of.

Patrick asked me to look around the room and trust my intuition to choose three people in the group – one person to represent me, one for my mum and one for my dad. He asked me to place them around the room, wherever it felt right. It looked something like this…

The way I set up the representatives showing which way they are looking

I returned to my chair and stayed seated next to Patrick. He asked each of the people representing my parents and me how they felt. I found this weird, but was surprised how accurate their accounts were. My father’s representative had his back to my mother and me and was far from us. The representative said he felt disconnected from the family and his focus was elsewhere. (My father was a doctor and I hardly knew him as he was always at work.) The person representing my mother said she was looking at me and wondering why I would not connect with her. The person representing me was looking down.

Patrick asked me to choose someone to represent my brother Tim, who died aged two, and for them to lie on the floor where my representative was looking.  

Adding my brother Tim who drowned when he was two years of age

When I saw the image of Tim on the floor, with my representative looking at it, I burst into tears. So much of my life suddenly made sense. I always had a background buzz of feeling like I was on the outside edge of my life and I wasn’t supposed to be here. I also felt like I was supposed to be a boy. And my relationship with my mother was always tainted by the feeling on not being wanted. And there it was, right in front of me. So clear.

I sobbed through the remaining hour of the constellation as the healing process began of the representatives of me and my parents acknowledging Tim, and me being able to let go of carrying the memory of Tim’s death into my life as though I felt guilty for being alive.

Towards the end of the constellation, I got up and stood in the place of my representative. I remember tentatively moving towards my mother, with the representative of Tim (now standing) behind me.

Image of me standing in place of my representative approaching my parents with Tim behind me supporting me.

The constellation transformed my relationship with my life. I started to claim my life as my own, and could begin to claim my femininity. My relationship with my mother took a few years to shift, but it did completely transform and I know the constellation was a critical part of helping me see the barrier between my mother and I. I had not let her love me, as I thought she wanted Tim, not me.

When I was brave enough to reach out to my mother for love at the tender age of thirty years old, with all the vulnerability and fear of a child, she welcomed and embraced me. We both cried and our relationship was transformed. I realised what a great hugger she was!

All those years I had missed out on my mum. My relationship with my mother was so close and loving for the last seven years of her life, which I am grateful for.